Two from Craig Ferguson:
People sometimes forget that George Washington was very rich, had a ponytail, and grew hemp on his farm. He was America's original Willie Nelson.
It's a great day for a bunch of thieves in Belgium. They got away with more than $50 million worth of pure, uncut diamonds. This diamond heist is the biggest robbery ever pulled off at an airport if you don't count them charging $25 to check a bag.
And this one from Jay Leno:
Over the weekend, President Obama played golf with Tiger Woods. Tiger said the president was a very good golfer for a guy who plays only five days a week.