Snippets of Truth & Wisdom

P. J. O'Rourke is an extremely intelligent individual who scrupulously observes the adage attributed to George Bernard Shaw that in order to tell the truth without being killed for doing so, one had to make one's audience laugh.  For a repository of Mr. O'Rourke's wit and wisdom, click here.

Go for the Clowns

From a better time in a better world:

Nothing Wasted

Hostess Bakery plants recently shut down due to a workers' strike. 

It’s assets were split up and sold off by the bankruptcy court.

The State Department hired all the Twinkies,

The Secret Service hired all the HoHos,

Generals and politicials are sleeping with the Cupcakes, and 

The voters sent all the Ding Dongs to Congress.

Wisdom From the Bar

Sammy says: 
"We Americans got so tired of being thought of as dumbasses by the rest of the world that we went to the polls this November and removed all doubt."

Whither Our Civilization ? ? ?

Fordham University, which was unwilling to countenance having conservative columnist Ann Coulter speak on its campus, has rolled out its welcome mat for Peter Singer.  Mr. Singer is a proponent of killing unwanted children and mentally handicapped people and an advocate of human beings having sex with animals.

Final Anti-Discrimination/Equality Frontier: Promote Stupidity

Our society probably has ‘advanced’ sufficiently in the past four decades to recognize that onetime U.S. Senator Roman Hruska actually was onto something and just ahead of his time in his widely disparaged support of a less than stellar appointee to the U.S. Supreme Court.  

       The appointee was one G. Harrold Carswell, who Richard Nixon, bitter over the rejection of an earlier appointee, tried to put on the court in 1970.  Mr. Carswell was recognized as being a good many lumens shy of being the brightest bulb in a very low drawer.

       In defending the ultimately unsuccessful appointment, Senator Hruska, in a statement for which he was widely reviled, proclaimed that the nation’s mediocre lawyers deserve to be represented on the bench of its highest court.

       It’s now time to pick up the good senator’s fight against one of the last vestiges of discriminatory denials of equality. The relic is one that adversely impacts half of the nation’s people based solely upon their shared inherent trait – stupidity.  Our motto should be:

Up With the Stupid

       After all, almost nobody chooses to be stupid. It’s not their fault.  As was said in the fight for equal treatment for homosexuals, it’s who they are – they're born the way they are.

       Half of the nation’s people are, by definition, less than or just average in their cognitive abilities.  They are not responsible for being intellectually deficient . . . and let’s not use that term.  We instead should refer to them as being intellectually challenged and give them a leg up.

       They deserve equal treatment.

       It is time to institute a program to ensure that people at every level of the span of intellectual capabilities in the nation’s population are fairly represented at every level in all of its institutions – at every level in business and financial organizations, the professions, academic institutions (among both students and faculty), the sciences and in scientific research, our courts, etc.  This, of course, will require drafting people higher on the scale to replace a good many of those currently in our government . . . but let’s not get bogged down in minutia at the outset.

       The point is to be fair.

Chili Cook-Off in the Southwest


Note: Please take time to read this slowly. 
If you pay attention to the first two judges, 
the reaction of the third judge is even better. 

For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , Illinois .


Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.”


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1

MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER

 CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. 


Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. 


Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.


CHILI # 2

EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI


Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. 


Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. 


Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3

ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI


Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. 


Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer. 


CHILI # 4

BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC


Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. 


Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.


Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT .... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


CHILI # 5

LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER


Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. 


Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement. 


Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

 
CHILI # 6

VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY


Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. 


Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb. 


Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. 


CHILI # 7

SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI


Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. 
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. 
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. 


CHILI # 8

BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI


Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. 


Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?


Judge # 3 -- No report.

Reaction to Obama Gang's Latest Benghazi Spin Effort

Worth Repeating

The danger to America is not Barack Obama, but a citizenry capable of entrusting a man like him with the Presidency. It will be far easier to limit and undo the follies of an Obama presidency than to restore the necessary common sense and good judgment to a depraved electorate willing to have such a man for their president. The problem is much deeper and far more serious than Mr. Obama, who is a mere symptom of what ails America. Blaming the prince of the fools should not blind anyone to the vast confederacy of fools that made him their prince. The Republic can survive a Barack Obama, who is, after all, merely a fool. It is less likely to survive a multitude of fools, such as those who made him their president.