Priceless Observations

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."


     Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) 


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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.


Mark Twain 



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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
.

George Burns

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.


Victor Borge

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.


Socrates 



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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.


Alex Levine 



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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was "SHUT UP."

Joe Namath

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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.  Then it's time for my nap.
-

Bob Hope 



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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.


W. C. Fields 



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Don't worry about avoiding temptation.   As you grow older, it will avoid you.


Winston Churchill 



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And the cardiologist's diet:  If it tastes good, spit it out!