Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible .
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was "SHUT UP."
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. -
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
And the cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out!