WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In a covert mission
designed to destroy what remains of al-Qaeda, the CIA has been infiltrating the
terror network with executives from JP Morgan Chase, the banking giant.
The mission, which the intelligence
agency had hoped to keep secret, came to light this week when al-Qaeda
dismissed two of its top officials who it said were responsible for
“unacceptably speculative” betting of the terror net’s funds on credit default swaps.
Across the intelligence community,
the dismissals caught the attention of analysts, who thought such risky
behavior seemed out of character for al-Qaeda.
“The first thing I thought was, this
sounds more like the work of JP Morgan,” one analyst said, speaking on
condition of anonymity. “Al-Qaeda has a reputation for being madmen, but
even for them these investments were crazy.”
Pressed about the covert mission, CIA
Director David Petraeus confirmed today that it had been a resounding success,
telling reporters, “If you’re serious about putting someone out of business,
there’s no one better than these JP Morgan guys. One of them can do more
damage than a thousand drone strikes.”
But Gen. Petraeus may have spoken too
soon, as the official al-Qaeda website today claimed that the terror
organization was on the brink of getting a “major financial bailout package”
from a consortium of state sponsors of terrorism such as Iran and North Korea.
“Al-Qaeda is too big to fail,” the
website said.
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